Stuff I can do

I’ve been instructed to come up with a list of things that come easily to me. This all started while working with my coach, and the fact that I didn’t realize until I was in my 20’s that not everyone can easily touch their toes.

So here goes:

I’m pretty flexible and can easily put my palms to the floor in a forward bend.

I have a natural sense of rhythm

I can sing on key

I can usually put myself in another person’s situation

I can cook, and easily follow a recipe even if making something for the first time.

I learn new computer programs pretty quickly and am good at troubleshooting.

I can navigate the subway.

I can orient myself and roughly tell time by the sun.

I retain a ridiculous number of facts about plants and animals.

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I may add more as I discover them, but all in all, not too shabby!

Riding High

Wow.

I still feel like the rookie. And I am. But holy cow. I’ve got teachers with 3x the experience using lessons and materials that I put together. More than one person has come to me for help or advice with various education tech programs, and now, the first “Feature a Teacher.” It’s basically a teacher of the month type thing.

Whoa.

I generally don’t like bragging, but damn this feels good.

Nobody is infallible, and I know I still need to grow and improve, but I’m gonna just sit and enjoy the moment a bit.

Not-so-Mad Scientist

In the collection of “Stuff my students say” I was apparently in another dream. This time, I was some sort of super Scientist, and I had turned them all into super heroes. I achieved this by making some sort of special bubbles, that gave them abilities when they touched them.

Some were super fast, some could fly.

Given the current popularity of Sci-Fi and super hero movies, this doesn’t surprise me. But the idea that he pictured me being a brilliant scientist that could make my students super? Yeah, I’m gonna put that one in my happy place.

Running in My Head

I run myself in mental circles… This is nothing new. But the reason sort of is.

I have never wanted kids. For all of my adult life, once I started making decisions for myself and not to please others I decided I was perfectly content to be an aunt and have dogs.

But my brain is weird.

For years – Hell, probably a decade at this point – I’ve had dreams in which I have a child, sometimes more than one, sometimes I’m currently pregnant. My kids are almost always blonde. Last night in my dream I was pregnant again, but instead of being confused or weirded out I was happy about it and announcing it to everyone.

I suppose that’s just a manifestation of my waking thoughts lately. I get a slight twinge when I look at my pregnant friends. Is it hormones? Is it because of Mother’s day? Is it that whole clock thing?

Most of the time (especially when other people’s kids are being a pain) I’m exceptionally glad I don’t have to deal with that. Nobody is waking me up covered in puke at 3am, nobody is throwing a tantrum or peeing their pants. Nobody hates me because I won’t let them go to a concert that ends at midnight.

If my ex-husband and I had gotten started right when we got married, I’d have a kid old enough to be one of my students now. But would I even be teaching? Would I like my life?

I love my life right now. I don’t want to give that up. But sometimes… Just sometimes… I really do wonder.

Gratitude 3-25-15

It’s been a while, but for today, I’m extremely grateful I can keep calm and functional in an emergency.

It’s tough enough with adults sometimes, but with kids it’s critical. If you’re calm, they will be calm. If you lose it, they’ll lose it 10x worse.

In the end, everyone is OK, and that’s what matters.

Making It

As part of my grad classes we watch a lot of videos of teaching techniques. Most of them take place in charter schools. A lot of them are “model” teachers that are former colleagues of the admins, but some of them are from former grad students. I know our class complained that we wanted to see more clips from district schools, since that’s where we all work. Well, it seems they’re listening.

How do I know? Because my science professor asked ME if she could use one of my videos from last year as an exemplar for the first year students for a particular technique.

Me.

Grad students are now watching a video of me to learn how to do a thing.

Well, damn.

Almost There

I’d imagine the last bit of every race feels a bit like this… Like the finish line is just out of reach. In some ways it’s more torturous than the beginning, knowing I was heading down a long and fairly difficult path.

Almost two years later and I’ve done a lot. My grades are excellent (though I will never stop stressing) and it seems I’m establishing myself. Relatively quickly, I started getting comments like “oh, we weren’t worried about you.” Recently the Dean told me “You don’t need me anymore. You didn’t need me much to start with.”

I’m at the point where I kinda just want to be done, though. It’s stressful and exhausting and I would like to have my free time back. I’d also like to be able to focus on just one set of requirements. It’d be nice to be able to keep on top of grading and maybe do some more extensive planning, instead of “good enough” some times.

Money pains are easing, now that the car is paid off and my salary has increased slightly. At the end of the summer when my tuition is paid back and I can submit for a salary differential for my masters degree, things will be even better.

I’m not sure if I’ll look back at all this fondly, or if it’ll have been just a means to an end. Guess I’ll find out.

Closure to Start the New Year

Closure is a rare thing. I didn’t get it entirely, but at least I know that the issues with me and K really WERE her hangups.

She’s had a few months to process it all, and still hasn’t totally wrapped her head around it but she did share the bits she’s managed to understand and it makes sense. And she apologized for everything.

She’s not an emotional person – a stark contrast to a person like me who can aptly be described as a ball of feelings. I think part of it is her need to constantly feel in control, and feelings kind of throw giant monkey wrenches into that plan. I think there’s more to follow here in her own evolution, but we’re staying friends, and that makes me happy.

Things my students say…

“Miss, you were in my dream last night!”

I really wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear where this was going, but of course he told the story…

In his dream, the school was being attacked. We were trapped and  everyone else gave up, and was just willing to die. But I busted down a door and helped them escape.

Apparently I also scolded him for leaning out the window of the rescue helicopter. “See, even in my dreams you yell at me!”

I’m not sure how to process this. On the one hand, I guess it’s flattering that he thinks I would rescue them in a crisis and keep them safe (and that I’m a badass that can bust down doors!) But the fact that the school being attacked is part of his reality frightens me.

Oversensitive

That’s what people have called me for years. Over time I internalized it, blaming my supposed over-sensitivity for my constant over-analyzing of situations and taking things personally that maybe really weren’t.

Well, to K, AV and everybody else who has ever said I was oversensitive, piss off.

What you call “oversensitive” is my gut telling me something is off. It may or may not actually have something to do with me, but it’s there and I’m done ignoring it for fear of being accused of said overs-sensitivity.

Had I listened to said gut, I would have actually spoken up when K started texting less, calling less and otherwise appeared to be losing interest. I could have saved months of awkwardness and a $400+ flight to Arizona if I had just had the guts to say something to M. I might have saved AB and myself the anguish and expense of moving to a new house, only to move back out of it three months later.

Yes, I am highly empathetic and sensitive to changes in patterns, moods and behaviors. I am also extremely emotional, partly because I internalize a lot of what I notice, and partly that’s just who I am. And at times yes, I take things personally that maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe.

But at the end of the day, I’m done telling my gut to shut up just because I don’t like what it’s telling me or because I’m afraid of causing waves. Because my gut is rarely wrong.