Category Archives: Journal

Gratitudes 10-19-12

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I have a great capacity to love, forgive, and heal.

After paying a really high estimated bill, finally got the real electric bill and have enough credits to pay my electricity for at least the next four months.

I love working with vendors that actually want to give you the best possible service – and you can tell that it stresses them when they think they might not be able to.

I am grateful for the random blessings of the parking goddess.

I’m grateful for a new connection – wherever it might lead.

Gratitudes 10-18-12

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I managed to make it to the DMV before closing.

My parents are amazing and are still willing – happy even – to drop everything to help me out when I need them.

I get to hang out with my cousins this weekend.

I have a super comfy bed. Sometimes TOO comfy 😉

Fall weather means I get to wear my favorite leather jacket

Light Hearted

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My mom and dad both posted this on their Facebooks today:

 

JUNE IS NATIONAL PRIDE MONTH: Put this as your status if you know or love someone who is GAY, and wish that people will SOON understand that being GAY is not a disease or a choice! People who are GAY are not looking for a CURE but for ACCEPTANCE & EQUAL RIGHTS. Many won’t copy and paste this. Will you make it your status for at least one hour? PROMOTE LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE. STOP THE HATE. ~~~ ♥ ♥ ♥

 

Holy crap.

Never did I think I’d get such a public display of acceptance. I’m damn near speechless. My heart hasn’t been this light in years. Maybe ever.

Pouring out

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I never thought I’d feel like I have so much to say and in the same breath feel completely incapable of expressing it.

It’s been an odd week, started from a weekend that was anything other than what I’d hoped.

I wish the universe would make up its damned mind. I spent all of my formative years trying to be normal and fit in. I spent my young adulthood in such deep denial that I hurt myself and others. I finally give in to what I am fairly certain is my true nature (as true as any of us can fully understand anyway) and suddenly life takes every opportunity to throw men at me.

I’ve told him I don’t feel the same way. Told him it couldn’t work. He tried anyway. I care about him as a friend. I don’t want to hurt him, but I know that if I gave in and tried it, I would only hurt us more later on.

In college I was oblivious for the most part, but I finally started noticing that women were hitting on me more than men. I brushed it off. After Ig I was lonely. I pondered it. I actually broached the topic with a friend I felt attracted to. It went over like a lead balloon. I retreated. In fact I’d blocked out that particular memory until recently.

In the handful of years between college and my marriage almost everyone I knew assumed I was in the closet. Apparently I was so far in there I didn’t even realize it WAS a closet.

I married him anyway. I can remember walking down the aisle, looking at my newly donned wedding ring and thinking “well, that’s it then isn’t it?” In the expanse of the minute or so it took us to walk to the end of the church I figured I’d somehow managed to shoehorn myself into what I was supposed to be and could be happy with it. For a brief time I thought I was.

Then it started gnawing at me… I had everything I was supposed to want – loving husband, house, dream job, dog… and I wasn’t happy. By our first (and only) anniversary I was already  restless, but I couldn’t figure out why.

My fears of being alone lead me to settle with a man who I now realize I couldn’t possibly have loved the way I professed – I didn’t know what it was then. Maybe I still don’t.

When I met her I was dying for affection. Yearning to be understood, appreciated and loved. He ignored me, except when he needed something – to be fed, some other domestic task, or some baser need. I wanted to go out, be social. He brooded, and wouldn’t let me go without him. I sat home, bored and trapped.

She came Christmas weekend and rescued me. All I wanted the entire weekend was to hold her hand.

Friendship quickly grew into infatuation, and not long after, into love. For the first time I truly saw forever with someone. I wanted nothing more than to build a life with her. It was not to be – at least not now. Later? Who knows. Now I’m watching her get into something I know is not healthy for her, but I’ve given up fighting. She’s no longer my responsibility, no longer my problem.

I have a lot of growing to do. But first I have to finish letting go…