Running in My Head

I run myself in mental circles… This is nothing new. But the reason sort of is.

I have never wanted kids. For all of my adult life, once I started making decisions for myself and not to please others I decided I was perfectly content to be an aunt and have dogs.

But my brain is weird.

For years – Hell, probably a decade at this point – I’ve had dreams in which I have a child, sometimes more than one, sometimes I’m currently pregnant. My kids are almost always blonde. Last night in my dream I was pregnant again, but instead of being confused or weirded out I was happy about it and announcing it to everyone.

I suppose that’s just a manifestation of my waking thoughts lately. I get a slight twinge when I look at my pregnant friends. Is it hormones? Is it because of Mother’s day? Is it that whole clock thing?

Most of the time (especially when other people’s kids are being a pain) I’m exceptionally glad I don’t have to deal with that. Nobody is waking me up covered in puke at 3am, nobody is throwing a tantrum or peeing their pants. Nobody hates me because I won’t let them go to a concert that ends at midnight.

If my ex-husband and I had gotten started right when we got married, I’d have a kid old enough to be one of my students now. But would I even be teaching? Would I like my life?

I love my life right now. I don’t want to give that up. But sometimes… Just sometimes… I really do wonder.